Friday, December 20, 2019

December 19, 2019


I am not afraid of the night—
I am afraid of the day ending.
I am not afraid of the twilight—
I am afraid of the dawn arriving
And the unknown day it brings.

Sunday, December 15, 2019

December 14, 2019

Be gentle with me, won’t you?
My heart’s already bruised
By the crushing of
      these blades of shoulders
Not meant to hold the world.

Thursday, November 21, 2019

Tuesday, November 12, 2019

Not sure how poetic or sensical (I hereby express my desire for “sensical” to become a standard word) this is, but I wrote it.


Устала
Одно слово написала
А спать сейчас иду ...
О завтрашнем дне мечтаю

11.XI.2019
—————————————

(Got) tired
Wrote one word
And I am going to sleep now ...
And dreaming of tomorrow

12/11/2019 English

A poem of angst that is not so elegant (because this is part of how I process things)

Sometimes I feel like everyone hates me
Despite any evidence to the contrary
I see my mistakes and my lack of grace
And all I want to do is hide my face
And I keep too busy running away
To see if anyone would really want me to stay
And when I say I feel ugly
I do not just mean my body
I mean me —
I — feel ugly
And even if I am not
People do not usually want
To be around someone who feels that way
And I wonder if people think I am completely loopy
When I feel like I am falling every which direction
But up is not merely another form of down
Even if motion may be relative
Why is it so hard to live
Without tearing open your soul
Why is it so hard to be whole
Easy to feel worthless
Like a bunch of failures on a list
There has to be light somewhere within me
Does it matter who can see
Does it matter if I can
If they can
Or nobody
How can anybody see
Something in me beautiful
When to myself I seem so very inanely dreadful


10-12 November 2019

Tuesday, October 29, 2019

26 October 2019

sunrise
pink clouds
mist on the water

awe
nostalgia
a train along the river

tiredness
wide eyes
friends by each other

clanking
clattering
seconds to the future


______________________________________________
(Three of us took the train to the city that day for interviews. The train and the water reminded me of Saint Petersburg.)

Sunday, June 2, 2019

A new friend here at Smolny inspired this with a really heartwarming parting. I am grateful to and for all of my friends and for knowing that we matter to each other. This one came with a melody. (Link is not to a movie, just a recording of me singing it.)

It's nice when someone doesn’t want to say goodbye
When the leave-taking hurts so much you start to cry
And you smile truly through those tearful eyes
Because in this wistful feeling - you recognize
The heartache caused only by the cherished tug of friendship ties
Yeah, it hurts sometimes how swiftly our time flies
And it can be so very painful to say goodbye
Yet it’s nice all the same when a friend doesn’t want to leave your side
It's nice when someone doesn’t want to say - goodbye


May 31, 2020
Saint Petersburg, Russia


Friday, May 24, 2019

самоедством - 24 May 2019

День ото дня
я буду учиться
всё меньше и меньше
самоедством заниматься.

Friday, May 17, 2019

Spring freckles grace sun-kissed cheeks
like gorgeous wildflowers 

     adorning vibrant fields.



little poetry




Tuesday, May 14, 2019


They say we all live under the same moon,
And it seems to be true,
But the sun seems rather different
Every place where I pass through.



Poetry, sort of?








Tuesday, March 12, 2019

(This is one of my quasi stream-of-consciousness poems, from 2 March 2017. The musical "catalyst" I was listening to is the instrumental cover of Sam Smith’s “Stay With Me” done by Brooklyn Duo, linked below.)

I feel like listening to music
Soaking in beauty and weeping
I feel like standing out in a storm and being blown away
By the wind stripping everything bare
I feel like sinking to the bottom of a lake
And taking one last gasp for air
Feeling the still and the dark
The pressure of the water and
The softness of the murky floor
I feel like flying away, a kite
Brightness lost in the colorless clouds
I feel like soaring I feel like falling I feel like sinking
I feel a piece missing from my heart
Left behind somewhere that I passed by
Waving to me through the bus window
While it pulls away
But I was not looking
And I did not know
I feel like sitting here I feel like running to the end of the world
I feel like holding on to everything and throwing it all away
I feel like crying and like there is no use in tears
I feel frozen and at the same time melted
Filled with the peculiar calm that only comes in chaos
A demure Resignation joining hands with my Ambition
As they dance along the street
Saying who cares that we may be odd bedfellows
They smile sad smiles and share doleful joy
Gazing into each other’s mysterious faces
And wondering what lies in their depths
Laughing and teasing
Turning secretly away
To cry in hurt and shame
Pulling too hard
Pushing too far
Breaking away
Leaving scars
Of misunderstanding
On a tormented soul
Torn and tossed and bewildered
Wanting everything gone
Yet mourning and longing already for all the things I love
Wondering what is love, really
And why is it worth living
Crying from a suffocating heart
Looking for meaning in the world
A way to make sense of things
I do not make sense myself
Forgetting to breathe
Lying here
I could so easily be gone
I want to be swept away
I want to be freed
This mind this body this world
Swallow me
And who am I
Existence is such a queer thing
So here we are
Take a sigh
Take a bow
Lights out
Who knows what dreams will come
Of feeling
And not feeling
And ending it all
I breathe
I feel
I turn over
One foot continues in front of the other
On this strange and strangling path
My heart throbbing
As if the life is bleeding out of me

Heart throbbing
Throbbing heart
Throbbing
Heart

Can one live without this pain
Is this throbbing
Merely what it means
To even have a heartbeat

____________________________


https://youtu.be/B22eZY1PESY?fbclid=IwAR3qZE5VmI6k7wjQ6kybFpJ3BeFn4vP5OWFjQv1YebWi4H3_yts8lEw2Bfw

Sunday, March 10, 2019

~ Some think spring has almost come in Petersburg ~
(11-26 February 2019) 
At first this existence seems beautiful
Appears some brilliant, pristine crystal
Then that very ice melts and
What remains is cigarette butts
And the stench of sidewalk refuse
Suspended in the brumous delta air
Snow turns to chilling sleet
Then to flurrying snow again
Swirling and shimmering down
Into half-frozen slush puddles
Beneath insidious bands of icicles
Those precious jewel-flakes twirl
As if descending royal stairs
Only to join the sparkling city dirt
As the damp cold redoubles
To the tune of forlorn cats
Wailing outside balcony windows
Wind blows
Feet slip
And people flow like rivers
_
_
_
_
That entire thing started on 11 February with this:
“At first this life seems beautiful //
Then the ice melts and what’s left is cigarette butts and the stench of sidewalk refuse.”
If I were more of a true #nihilist I would have left it at that.
The official beginning of spring in Russia is 1 March. At the very end of February there was hardly any snow around. Since then we have had lots of snowfall and now another bit of a thaw. I was neither so morose nor so disgusted on 11 February, but some of the street smells in warmer weather are truly quite revolting, and it was nearly amazing to see the buildup of cigarette butts on shrinking sidewalk snowbanks. I am sharing this even though I am not entirely satisfied with it. I rarely am anyhow with what I write. Maybe I will rewrite it later.






Tuesday, March 5, 2019

A poem — “Don’t cry over spilled milk”

5 March 2019 — 
“Don’t cry over spilled milk”


It’s a rough
And tumble
World sometimes
Soft and
Sometimes hard
Moments so often
Unexpected
Surprising
Like lifting a half-empty
Milk carton
That you had thought
Was full
And the jolt of
Your arm
Into the air
And even
Sometimes you
Really do
Cry
Over spilled milk
That you dropped
On the kitchen floor
And you hear
Laughter
Cut off the voice
That had begun
Repeating
That proverb
Not knowing
Over what
Stood that little girl
Crying
Because sometimes
Grasping life
And
The unexpected
Can be
So hard and
Your deeply finite soul
And hands
Cannot
Hold it all

Saturday, March 2, 2019

I am gradually realizing that physical health problems and exhaustion factor oh so prominently in how salient the utterly mean and discouraging voices in my head become. Emotional health and physical health are hardly separate. There is no shame in needing rest and no failure in needing time to heal. Take care and let the love flow.

Wednesday, February 27, 2019

Я люблю шум ветра,
люблю метель, кружение снега.
Когда дуют белизна и ясность вокруг,
тогда душа моя взмывает в воздух.
Тогда разум дышит
да ко мне спокойствие приходит.
Как я люблю вой ветра,
люблю музыку безрассудной души мира.

(23-25 января 2019 г.)

Tuesday, February 26, 2019


Я приехала в Петербург / Учёба за границей

Вот я в Питере,
пролетев через моря,
провожу время в краю мостов,
чтобы через старо-новое окно
взглянуть на обширный мир. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I Came to Petersburg / Study Abroad

Here am I in Piter,
Having flown across the sea
To spend a while in this land of bridges
And, through an old-new window,
This expansive world to see.

(25 января 2019 г.)
Небезопасно!

УВАЖАЕМЫЕ ПАССАЖИРЫ!
ДЕРЖИТЕСЬ ЗА ПОРУЧНИ!
ИНАЧЕ ВЫ ВСЕ УПАДЁТЕ,

И ОБЩЕСТВЕННЫЙ ТРАНСПОРТ
МОЖЕТ СКОРО ПРИВЕЗТИ
К ОБЩЕСТВЕННОЙ СМЕРТИ. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Not Without Danger!

DEAR PASSENGERS,
PLEASE HOLD ON TO THE HANDRAILS,
OR ELSE YOU WILL ALL GO TUMBLING

AND THIS PUBLIC TRANSPORT
MIGHT SOON GREATLY COME
TO RESEMBLE A PUBLIC MORT.

(20 февраля 2019 г.)

(Inspired by the constant announcements made in both Russian and English in many Petersburg buses, trolleybuses and metro cars, and by the occasion of helping a woman on one bus who had lost her balance.)

Saturday, February 23, 2019


Я в прошлом семестре написала это стихотворение. Только что пыталась перевести с русского на английский:
_________________________________________

Шутливое стихотворение

Ела я с белкой,
которая ела вилкой
миску щей со сметаной
в лесной комнате уютной.

Спросила я белочку:
— Ты ешь так странно, почему?
И удар получила я по носу.
— Нет ни одной ложки в лесу!


Squirrelly Poem

Ate I with a squirrel
Who was eating with a fork
A bowl of cabbage soup with sour cream
In a cozy woodland room.

Asked I of the little squirrelly,
“Why are you so eating strangely?”
And received I a whack upon the nose.
“Not even one spoon is there in the woods!”

Wednesday, February 13, 2019

Poetry is Alive and Kicking - Poet Struggles

Three samples of me hypothetically arguing with poems in my head:

- Now would you all just decide how it is you would like to be written?
- Hey, you, could you stop trying to get my attention if you are not going to actually say something? Please do not tease me.
- I did not quite hear you. Could you please repeat that? You forgot what it was already? Well, I am sorry to have missed it.

Friday, February 8, 2019

Над головой висят сосульки - Icicles hang overhead (English below)

Вчера:
Я выхожу на улицу, и кричит женщина : «Девушка, не стойте там! Посмотрите наверх!» Да, я вижу. Над головой висят сосульки.
🚷⚠️🙄🙏

Сегодня:
Выйдя на улицу, я смотрю на крышу на рабочих. Начинает молодой человек махать и улыбаться мне с крыши. Он кажется таким милым и весёлым и поднимает мне настроение.
☺️💓🎶





Yesterday: 

I walk out onto the street and a woman shouts: "Young woman, don't stand there! Look up!" Yes, I see. Icicles are hanging overhead.
🚷⚠️🙄🙏

Today:
Having gone out onto the street, I look up at the workers on the roof. A young man begins to wave and smile at me from the roof. He seems so sweet and cheerful and raises my spirits.
☺️💓🎶

Thursday, February 7, 2019

Some cats staying warm and entertained. (Video from the weekend.)


Russian coins are like a mini grammar lesson for your pocket. They are also attracted to magnets, as I found out when one stuck to my laptop.


Tuesday, February 5, 2019

Cyberstalking is not okay

Hello, Dear Humans,

Cyberstalking is not okay. I am not talking about stalking in the colloquial sense of Facebook “stalking”, which can mean that someone just looks at one person’s material often. I mean actual stalking that occurs via cyberspace. Someone does not need to explicitly threaten or even intend harm in order to be stalking a person. Continued unwanted contact, especially with reference to intimate subjects, crosses important personal boundaries. When someone does this it threatens a person’s perception of security and the behavior of that someone may also escalate to real-world contact. Basically, a stalker is unpredictable but will predictably continue to violate your boundaries. This is part of why stalking is a problem even if no actual physical contact or harm has occurred so far, other than the general stress it puts on the target of the stalking. The same goes for not-quite-stalking behavior. Even if the stalker does not realize that they are stalking, they still are. I have some advice for people who suspect that they are targets of stalking or are disquieted by related behaviors. You might not preserve evidence because you do not see anything substantial to have evidence for in the first place. You might just want to erase all signs of the disturbing person from your life. But you do not know if or when they might start up again and, if you ever want or need help emotionally dealing with or taking strong action regarding the situation, you might wish you had more of a record of it. Sometimes the nature of the situation does not become clear until more time has passed. As my mother said, go with your gut. If something feels wrong, pay attention. It is better to be a little extra vigilant than to be left with the feeling that the situation entirely slipped through your fingers. I hope that I will not continue to have to deal with the unpleasant situation currently on my hands, one that I thought was over with a long while ago. I am grateful that one of the staff in my university program asked me what was wrong today and took me seriously.

- Be cautious and keep yourself safe and sound.
- Be considerate and keep others safe and sound by 1) not crossing their boundaries and 2) listening to them and being there for them.

I am sharing this because people do not talk about this problem much.

Best wishes for all,
Silvie Lundgren



P.S. Also, try to not let one person’s creepy behavior keep you from enjoying contact with other people.
_______________________________________________________________________________


Monday, February 4, 2019

"You need to marry a Russian Jew from Philadelphia."

My Russian host mother (N.G.) told me tonight that I should marry a Russian Jew from Philadelphia (where 20% of the population are Russian Jews!) and then we can eat Russian food and speak Russian while living in America. She also said that this husband should preferably be wealthy so that I can have an easy life and my children will always have something to eat. Honestly, why not? Most of my corner of the world seems to think I should marry a Russian (the people who say this are Israelis, Russians, Americans . . . ). Usually they ask me why I am studying Russian and then suddenly suggest that I will marry a Russian. The other day when N.G. first started talking with me about questions of life and family she said, “First of all, a husband should be kind/good (добрый), second, he should be kind/good, third, he should be kind/good. If he is not, then it will not matter to you whether he is wealthy or good looking.” Before that she had been asking me about who I might consider eligible as a husband and whether he would need to be of a certain religion, nationality or ethnicity. We have been having a hoot here and get along quite well.

Saturday, February 2, 2019

Some of the colloquial grammar variants used in this (see image below) are a bit irritating for me but, yes, let's please talk about this! 🎤🎯

And, yes, by many standards I am a 'chameleon'. 🌈 Sometimes that is intentional. Sometimes things simply are not visibly on the surface or people just do not realize what being on the Autism Spectrum can even mean. It is normal for someone's behavior to vary from situation to situation and for them to have more of a struggle with an issue at certain times than at others.

Chances are that many of the quirky, irritating, unusual, charming and/or wonderful things you have noticed about me are related to ASD.** 🦋 🥳 That is not to say that ASD explicitly causes them. Things in life generally are fitted better to a Venn diagram than a pie chart when it comes to categorizing them. Most (if not all!) people have idiosyncrasies of some sort. In a life full of variables having complex, multiple relationships, who is to say what is at the the root of each and every difference? 🔭 Not only are our quirks associated with various factors, but our worth as persons exists neither despite nor simply because of those quirks. 💎

I am an aspie for life (that is, unless our scientific understanding of what that means changes significantly).

** For example: hearing/language processing problems, light and sound sensitivities, much of my general and social anxiety, the fact that there are some culturally accepted social needs that I was shocked to find out that people had, my sometimes abnormal use or interpretation of tone of voice or facial expressions, the fact that those last two items are on this list even though I often exhibit very high emotional intelligence (hmm . . . "on the list" but "included in the list" . . .), my less-than-average propensity for eye contact, my need for high specificity, an apparently odd way of thinking about things, my visual memory, my attention to detail, my sense of flip-side humor, my persistence, the fact that I am so very irked by the fact that the items in (on?) this list do not seem to all fit a parallel structure, etc., etc.

IMAGE CREDIT: Autistic Creativity (December 9, 2017 post: https://www.facebook.com/Autisticcreativity/photos/a.1478031058956829/1595543040538963/?type=3&theater)

Music and Islamic newspapers at the metro station


So, on the way home yesterday I ended up with an Islamic Russian-language newspaper when I stopped alongside the wall in the metro corridor to watch this musician (short video below). I was fishing around in my bag and a man approached me and asked if everything was okay and if I was interested in this newspaper. I said I did not want it but he said he would give me one free of charge so that I can see what it is like, so I took it, why not. On the way home today from a Shabbat service the same man approached me and then recognized me and smiled. He asked me how life was and said something else that I did not quite make out. I did not really listen because I was not feeling comfortable. I very briefly responded to him and then said "do svidaniya" and left. Now I feel awkward and I do not know if he could discern that I am a foreigner. Will he and the other newspaper men be there again tomorrow?

* * *

The answer is yes. It's just that I was taking the bus before, not the metro. I shall have to work on my "I can't see you" skills.


Tuesday, January 29, 2019

Today's adventures - The lost and the kind - Day 5 in Russia

Today's adventures - The lost and the kind - Day 5 in Russia

This rural girl lost her way in the city today. Did not get lost location-wise, but lost the way to her destination on two occasions. I live furthest away of all the Bard-Smolny students from the university. I left my dom at 09:15, a time that was supposed to be early enough for me to have a margin of error. I got to Smolny at nearly 12:00, and we were meant to meet there at 10:45 (even I was not the last arrival!). First I seem to have taken the wrong bus from my street. It came to the end of the line much earlier than expected and then I had to take another that ran for a very, very long time. When I finally reached ploschad' Truda I wandered around confused for something on the order of a half hour, not recalling the path our group took yesterday. I had the correct street but the wrong side of the intersection. A man on the street asked to where I was trying to go when he saw me looking at my piece of paper and at the numbers on the buildings, so I told him and tried to follow his directions but ended up confused again back at the ploschad'. The same thing happened when I approached a man at a gate for help. I had forgotten that the underground crosswalk here goes multiple directions below the entire ploschad', not just underneath one street. This intersection confused other people too. Two separate Russian women asked me for directions. One asked how to get to a building that was not familiar to me and I simply told her that I did not know. The other was in the same situation as me, trying to figure out whether the street in question actually continued on the other side of the intersection and how to get there. I told her that I did not know and also wanted to find out. Yesterday the Program manager told me to expect people to approach me for directions since I blend in with the locals when I am on my own, and it was funny that it happened so soon. I think I would have finally figured out how to cross the street within the next 10 minutes but, to be sure that I did not end up even later, I called the Assistant Program Manager to tell her I was lost. The only problem is that the mobile phone is very quiet and I have always struggled to hear people on the telephone, even more than in person. So she began texting me since I could not hear her. She texted me in English but I had not yet figured out how to text in English, so had to figure out what say in Russian: I see a yellow arch, now I see Galernaya st. building thirty two (I had to also write out the numbers because I did not know how to enter digits). The very first things out of her mouth when I arrived were that everything would be okay and, "Did you cry?" (no, I did not, and she thought that was good). She will look at the phone with me tomorrow and see if they have another one that would be easier to hear on. I hope to buy a SIM card for my own phone soon because it might be easier to use, both for hearing and for writing messages. A drawback is that the cold does cause it to malfunction.

The public bus attendants on the four buses I took today (it should have been only two total today) were all women and were all kind. When my first bus this morning came to the end of the line the attendant told me more than once that this was the end, so I need to get off, but also helped me find the next bus stop where I could pick up another bus line. The second incident today was me getting on a bus on the way home that was not going to either of the stops near my dom. The static signs and digital signs indicating the bus numbers and routes and the route tags on the buses seem to have some disagreement with each other. The attendant looked sad that I had paid for the wrong bus and very diligently did her best as I went several stops on her bus to explain to me which number bus to take and from where I could take it. I disembarked and waited for the correct number bus. This time as I got on the attendant was close enough that I could speak to her right away. I asked if I could get to such-and-such street. She was not sure what it was, so I said the name of the street next to it and she said yes. I remained standing, partly because I was feeling tense, but after a few stops she came and insisted that I sit, so I did. When we got to the stop before mine I was not sure whether mine was next. The attendant came and told me without me asking that the next stop was mine, not this one, something that helped my nerves. As I walked down the street with the bus stops to my street I began to shiver for the first time here. I felt very tired and very hungry. It was already dinnertime when I got back because I walked around longer than expected with some of the group after lunch and then had trouble with the buses.

This morning we had our preliminary Russian placement test. There were some words on it I did not know and others the forms of which I was not sure how to choose from. Others in the group are much more fluent than I am, especially, understandably, the heritage speakers. I am trying to remember when I feel inferior that I am not stupid and that I simply have more to learn. We all had lunch with the Russian as a Second Language instructors and the program managers and we conversed almost entirely in Russian. The academic advisor for Bard-Smolny students thought it was funny when one of us four Bard students in the group said that Bard campus is in the woods and I interjected that Bard was not located in the woods, that if anything I live in the woods but Bard is not in the woods! Tomorrow the two-week language intensive starts. I am nervous. I want to learn as much as possible while I am here.

I will be so tired tomorrow. I meant to go to bed earlier tonight but also meant to be back here several hours earlier. Maybe tomorrow?

Monday, January 28, 2019

Sunday, January 27, 2019

On my 4th day in Russia, 27 Jan 2019

On my 4th day in Russia, 27 Jan 2019


After lunch with the group I split off on my own to witness more of the 75th anniversary commemoration of the lifting of the 872 day Leningrad Blockade (872, а не "900 дней и ночей"!) on the "Road of Life". I watched the performance of songs and poetry recitation by young people from Youth Patriotic Action "Muse of the Blockade" and the Committee on Youth Policy and Interaction with Public Organizations, saw part of a prerecorded video interview, looked at posters and newspapers from the time of the blockade, walked along a chronicle of the siege, and read heartbreaking personal stories of children of the blockade on a wall of memory arranged for the occasion. After wandering around the city center for a while, I used my pocket atlas of the city and the sight of the church across the street from me in order to find my path back to Gostinyj dvor metro station. This proved to be less difficult than I had imagined. My trip to Poland in 2016 flying all by myself, my bus trip to Boston last summer, my visit to Brighton Beach over spring break and my exercise of intentionally getting myself lost in Kingston once I finally obtained my driver license seem to have been a perfect course of preparation for this adventure in Russia. I walked alongside the Fontanka (and, yes, briefly, on the Fontanka, where many people were walking and a memorial of flowers was placed). My toes finally began to feel the chill of the perhaps -12 degree weather (positive 10 degrees or so for Fahrenheit) through my two pairs of socks and my excellent boots as I tramped on in my long coat, knee legwarmers, hat and earmuff, and thin gloves plus thick gloves, with a ruby-purple scarf wrapped around my head. Slipped I have, but not fallen yet. My boots are wide soled and lend me stability. The weather here really seems not much different from what we have in some New York State winters. I recommend that you find a below-ground crosswalk or a metro station entrance if your fingers begin to ache; the warmth brings relief with surprising quickness. City life has never been my life, and cities have usually provoked some claustrophobia in me. But here I love seeing the buildings. They have beautiful colors and there are no skyscrapers severing you from the vast dome of the world. I felt perfectly comfortable setting out on my own as the rest of the group left the restaurant together. The Petersburg metro at first pass strikes me as much more pleasant and easily usable than the New York subway system. For a brief moment concern struck me on the metro escalator when I saw only one zheton (metro token) in my hand and thought, "But I bought two! What happened?!" . . . but then came the hilarious realization: "Oh, I used one to enter the metro in the first place, of course!" In honesty, there being no expectation of a smile or interaction with strangers whom you encounter on the street feels so much more natural to me (the others have mentioned how hard it is not to keep smiling automatically - not a problem for me, you see!). And, knowing that crowding each other is expected, I really do not mind it. There is less hesitation surrounding one's every move. Keep all important possessions in internal pockets or clearly in your sight and you should be fine. Up on the streets adults tow small children on sledges. The sidewalks are busy and slippery, yet people rarely walk into one another. There is a true advantage here this time of year for those who love the sunrise but struggle to rise early enough to see it - the sun does not rise so early. The sunlight throughout the day is fresh and gentle, remaining so similar to the light of dawn and dusk. It is beautiful.

Upon returning to my host dom I succeeded in requesting an additional blanket for the bed. My room is somewhat cold at 16 to 18 degrees (60 to 65 Fahrenheit), not unlike my room in the States. There are many everyday vocabulary words as of yet unknown to me, but for certain I will improve, and for certain I will feel very frustrated with myself. What may seem most ironic to some is the fact that, aside from not being able to converse very well in Russian at the moment, I feel more at home among the Russians so far than among the others from the United States. One of the cultural notes given us was that Americans tend to stick out in groups in Russia because they are very loud. I find it strange and grating when some of the others start speaking with excessive volume. Even to me they can seem like "loud Americans". At least two of us are usually quiet ones (we also seem to be the main science nerds of the group). At the hotel some of us discussed our nervousness about moving in with host families and struggling with the language. It seems to me that the type of uneasiness they described matches my usual experience almost anywhere at any time. In a way my excessive baseline anxiety may turn out to make all of this easier for me than for them. Whether I have ever experienced jet lag before I do not know. Since arriving here I have slept without major complaint, felt tired throughout the day but not become too sleepy before nighttime, and gotten up in the morning without issue. I have gone to bed between midnight and 1:00 in the morning each night since arriving (I will need to start getting to sleep a bit earlier moving forward). Perhaps my extraordinary sleep schedule at home this month before my departure mitigated potential difficulties of the transition. I was staying up until 3:00-4:00 in the morning regularly. Then I had only one and a half hours of sleep the night prior to my flight and not more than one hour of sleep on the airplane.

Ate dinner a while ago, and now preparing for tomorrow. I shall take the bus for the first time in the morning with my new rubles in hand.

Pictures and video to follow at a later time.

Friday, January 25, 2019

Nothing quite in this way of being abroad with fellow citizens reinforces how little I belong among my own countrymates.

Tuesday, January 15, 2019

A doctor is having me tested for markers of lupus. I officially now belong on an episode of House, M.D. 😂😄🙃
P.S. If you never really watched that series, it might be hard to understand what makes this so funny. I shall try to explain anyhow (be warned, I make lots of other comments too):
Part of the issue is that when you are trying to find a causal disease for symptoms, a lot of things can resemble lupus, making differential diagnosis difficult. Lupus is sort of a syndromic disease that can have a varying assortment of signs and symptoms. It is often diagnosed upon ruling out other possible diseases (So how many do you then need to rule out? The process of elimination is a daunting task and a problem faced in the diagnosis of many other conditions too. The existence of high overlap in symptomatic or marker profiles, along with a slew of variables, paints a picture in which the question of whether a particular disease even exists or several diseases are truly distinct becomes nearly impossible to answer.). Many of the patients on the show had illnesses that proved challenging to diagnose and/or treat. Many episodes for a streak included references to the possibility of lupus, so much that it became an amusing catchphrase. -- Lupus is almost always on the table diagnostically because of the range of symptoms associated with it. The flip side of that: It is also almost always off the table because it can resemble so many other diseases (or, at least, many other collections of signs and symptoms bearing diagnostic labels). -- So, most of the time on the show, the response to the suggestion of lupus was something along the lines of a sardonic "Really, are you kidding me?" And then in one case the final diagnosis really was lupus and the whole discussion was hilarious. The disease itself is not hilarious, but the rigmarole surrounding it and the diagnosis of many others can be.

EDIT, 23 Jan 2019. The results came back negative, of course!