March 24, 2020

Lately I’ve been struggling,
Can’t shake the sense I’m drowning.
It seems like there’s no air,
But maybe I just forgot
     the way to breathe.

Lately I’ve been trembling,
Can’t shake the fear I’m losing
     who I’m supposed to be,
Holding happy, love-filled moments
     in my one hand,
My guilt and terror in the other.

Oftentimes it’s best
To keep trudging on through life’s quagmires,
Other times to lie flat
To keep from sinking in the quicksand.

Struggling, struggling
     like a bird in a net,
Like a fish trapped in air,
Like a dancer who has fallen
     and can’t free her foot
From her mind’s own snare.

Lately I’ve been struggling
And wondering
     when I will ever make it out of here.


#punkpoet #punk
#DysplasiaoftheSoul

(a poem prayer)

Blessed are You, O L-rd, my G-d,
Ruler of the universe,
Who fills my blood with life,
My lungs with air,
My mind with light
And my mouth with prayer


March 22, 2020, on a walk after dusk

#poetry #prayer
#onlyOnerulestheuniverse

(a springtime poem)

Spring has sprung
When fiery crocus blossoms
Join fresh-brung birdsong
And sweet earth-smell surrounds
Paths coatlessly tread upon
Basking in warm-bright sun
Grown steadily more lingersome
On a soft Marchtime horizon


March 4-6&14, 2020

December 19, 2019

I am not afraid of the night—
I am afraid of the day ending.
I am not afraid of the twilight—
I am afraid of the dawn arriving
And the unknown day it brings.

December 14, 2019

Be gentle with me, won’t you?
My heart’s already bruised
By the crushing of
      these blades of shoulders
Not meant to hold the world.

November 20, 2019 (Please excuse the language.)

“Nice pants,”
He said
And gave me the feeling
It had been
“Nice ass”
In his head.

Not sure how poetic or sensical (I hereby express my desire for “sensical” to become a standard word) this is, but I wrote it.


Устала
Одно слово написала
А спать сейчас иду ...
О завтрашнем дне мечтаю

11.XI.2019
—————————————

(Got) tired
Wrote one word
And I am going to sleep now ...
And dreaming of tomorrow

12/11/2019 English

A poem of angst that is not so elegant (because this is part of how I process things)

Sometimes I feel like everyone hates me
Despite any evidence to the contrary
I see my mistakes and my lack of grace
And all I want to do is hide my face
And I keep too busy running away
To see if anyone would really want me to stay
And when I say I feel ugly
I do not just mean my body
I mean me —
I — feel ugly
And even if I am not
People do not usually want
To be around someone who feels that way
And I wonder if people think I am completely loopy
When I feel like I am falling every which direction
But up is not merely another form of down
Even if motion may be relative
Why is it so hard to live
Without tearing open your soul
Why is it so hard to be whole
Easy to feel worthless
Like a bunch of failures on a list
There has to be light somewhere within me
Does it matter who can see
Does it matter if I can
If they can
Or nobody
How can anybody see
Something in me beautiful
When to myself I seem so very inanely dreadful


10-12 November 2019

26 October 2019

sunrise
pink clouds
mist on the water

awe
nostalgia
a train along the river

tiredness
wide eyes
friends by each other

clanking
clattering
seconds to the future

______________________________________________

(Three of us took the train to the city that day for interviews. The train and the water reminded me of Saint Petersburg.)

A new friend here at Smolny inspired this with a really heartwarming parting. I am grateful to and for all of my friends and for knowing that we matter to each other. This one came with a melody. (Link is not to a movie, just a recording of me singing it.)

It's nice when someone doesn’t want to say goodbye
When the leave-taking hurts so much you start to cry
And you smile truly through those tearful eyes
Because in this wistful feeling - you recognize
The heartache caused only by the cherished tug of friendship ties
Yeah, it hurts sometimes how swiftly our time flies
And it can be so very painful to say goodbye
Yet it’s nice all the same when a friend doesn’t want to leave your side
It's nice when someone doesn’t want to say - goodbye

May 31, 2020
Saint Petersburg, Russia