This Life Brings Me to Tears (a poem)

This Life Brings Me to Tears (a poem)
19 April 2020 ... my heart is churning so much


This life brings me to tears
At its most beautiful
At its most cruel
At its most joyful
At its most wearisome

This life brings me to tears
And the stains on my cheeks
Lead me to wonder
What is past that has been good
And what has passed that is else

This life brings me to tears
Brings a smile to my face
Brings a pang to my heart
Brings a doubt to my mind
Like I have caught sight of something
in the corner of my eye that I cannot find

This life brings me to tears
It fills me with words
And it leaves me speechless
It holds me in its embrace
And it lets me plummet through the world

This life brings me to tears
And leaves me looking for someone's arms
And leaves me searching for a lost melody
And leaves me lost in a reverie
Looking for a realization
that is blowing in the wind

.............
#poetry

 

alone (a poem)

This is from July 2018. It has a melody too, but I don’t have that prepared:



I just want to be alone
But I don’t want to be left alone
I want someone to stay by me

I just want to see
The love that’s in your eyes
Even though I am so afraid
To look you in the face

I just want to spend some time
With someone who understands
With someone who does not judge me

I just want to know
That however I may be
You can be here
To be here for me

I want to reach out and I want you to hold me
Even though I walk away
And I put up so many walls

I just want to be alone
Yet all the while I yearn, yearn for company

I just want to be alone
But please don’t you leave me

                       * * *
If our souls know each other's soul
Then stay a while with me
And if they are strangers still
Then maybe they can meet
At some point of understanding
With an ounce of love and of compassion                       * * *
I
Just want to be
Not alone

I just want to
Be not
Alone

a poem from 2/7/2013

2/7/2013

icicles in my mind
wait to plunge and strike
cold mixes with warmth
frigid in the dark

I am a punk, I am a poet ... (a poem)

I am a punk, I am a poet.
I am a kind girl with goodness in her heart.
I am a sweet girl whose mind is sometimes
     suffocated by the dark.

I am a punk, I am a poet.
I see disaster in every ending and an end in every start.
For me twixt bliss and melancholy
     the line turned out not so well marked.


Edited March 27, 2020 from a January 2020 scrap.

#punkpoet #punk
#DysplasioftheSoul

29.5735 Milliliters of Irony (a poem)

I'm heartbroken
So what does that make me …
I'm bleeding out
But it's all in—
Inside of me

Nobody died
Nobody left me
See, I’ve just got
A kind of tragic
Personality

And a fractured heart recirculating
Nine pints of pining blood
I've been bleeding out
But it's all in—
Inside of me

March 27, 2020


#punkpoet #punk
#DysplasiaoftheSoul

March 24, 2020

Lately I’ve been struggling,
Can’t shake the sense I’m drowning.
It seems like there’s no air,
But maybe I just forgot
     the way to breathe.

Lately I’ve been trembling,
Can’t shake the fear I’m losing
     who I’m supposed to be,
Holding happy, love-filled moments
     in my one hand,
My guilt and terror in the other.

Oftentimes it’s best
To keep trudging on through life’s quagmires,
Other times to lie flat
To keep from sinking in the quicksand.

Struggling, struggling
     like a bird in a net,
Like a fish trapped in air,
Like a dancer who has fallen
     and can’t free her foot
From her mind’s own snare.

Lately I’ve been struggling
And wondering
     when I will ever make it out of here.


#punkpoet #punk
#DysplasiaoftheSoul

December 19, 2019

I am not afraid of the night—
I am afraid of the day ending.
I am not afraid of the twilight—
I am afraid of the dawn arriving
And the unknown day it brings.

December 14, 2019

Be gentle with me, won’t you?
My heart’s already bruised
By the crushing of
      these blades of shoulders
Not meant to hold the world.

A poem of angst that is not so elegant (because this is part of how I process things)

Sometimes I feel like everyone hates me
Despite any evidence to the contrary
I see my mistakes and my lack of grace
And all I want to do is hide my face
And I keep too busy running away
To see if anyone would really want me to stay
And when I say I feel ugly
I do not just mean my body
I mean me —
I — feel ugly
And even if I am not
People do not usually want
To be around someone who feels that way
And I wonder if people think I am completely loopy
When I feel like I am falling every which direction
But up is not merely another form of down
Even if motion may be relative
Why is it so hard to live
Without tearing open your soul
Why is it so hard to be whole
Easy to feel worthless
Like a bunch of failures on a list
There has to be light somewhere within me
Does it matter who can see
Does it matter if I can
If they can
Or nobody
How can anybody see
Something in me beautiful
When to myself I seem so very inanely dreadful


10-12 November 2019

(This is one of my quasi stream-of-consciousness poems, from 2 March 2017. The musical "catalyst" I was listening to is the instrumental cover of Sam Smith’s “Stay With Me” done by Brooklyn Duo, linked below.)

I feel like listening to music
Soaking in beauty and weeping
I feel like standing out in a storm and being blown away
By the wind stripping everything bare
I feel like sinking to the bottom of a lake
And taking one last gasp for air
Feeling the still and the dark
The pressure of the water and
The softness of the murky floor
I feel like flying away, a kite
Brightness lost in the colorless clouds
I feel like soaring I feel like falling I feel like sinking
I feel a piece missing from my heart
Left behind somewhere that I passed by
Waving to me through the bus window
While it pulls away
But I was not looking
And I did not know
I feel like sitting here I feel like running to the end of the world
I feel like holding on to everything and throwing it all away
I feel like crying and like there is no use in tears
I feel frozen and at the same time melted
Filled with the peculiar calm that only comes in chaos
A demure Resignation joining hands with my Ambition
As they dance along the street
Saying who cares that we may be odd bedfellows
They smile sad smiles and share doleful joy
Gazing into each other’s mysterious faces
And wondering what lies in their depths
Laughing and teasing
Turning secretly away
To cry in hurt and shame
Pulling too hard
Pushing too far
Breaking away
Leaving scars
Of misunderstanding
On a tormented soul
Torn and tossed and bewildered
Wanting everything gone
Yet mourning and longing already for all the things I love
Wondering what is love, really
And why is it worth living
Crying from a suffocating heart
Looking for meaning in the world
A way to make sense of things
I do not make sense myself
Forgetting to breathe
Lying here
I could so easily be gone
I want to be swept away
I want to be freed
This mind this body this world
Swallow me
And who am I
Existence is such a queer thing
So here we are
Take a sigh
Take a bow
Lights out
Who knows what dreams will come
Of feeling
And not feeling
And ending it all
I breathe
I feel
I turn over
One foot continues in front of the other
On this strange and strangling path
My heart throbbing
As if the life is bleeding out of me

Heart throbbing
Throbbing heart
Throbbing
Heart

Can one live without this pain
Is this throbbing
Merely what it means
To even have a heartbeat

____________________________


https://youtu.be/B22eZY1PESY?fbclid=IwAR3qZE5VmI6k7wjQ6kybFpJ3BeFn4vP5OWFjQv1YebWi4H3_yts8lEw2Bfw

A poem — “Don’t cry over spilled milk”

5 March 2019 — 

“Don’t cry over spilled milk”


It’s a rough
And tumble
World sometimes
Soft and
Sometimes hard
Moments so often
Unexpected
Surprising
Like lifting a half-empty
Milk carton
That you had thought
Was full
And the jolt of
Your arm
Into the air
And even
Sometimes you
Really do
Cry
Over spilled milk
That you dropped
On the kitchen floor
And you hear
Laughter
Cut off the voice
That had begun
Repeating
That proverb
Not knowing
Over what
Stood that little girl
Crying
Because sometimes
Grasping life
And
The unexpected
Can be
So hard and
Your deeply finite soul
And hands
Cannot
Hold it all

Светлая Луна/Bright Moon (bilingual poem)

Светлая Луна, светлая Луна,                                      30.XI.2017
Свети на меня!
Звёзды, мерцающие в чёрной ночи,
Улыбайтесь мне в пути.

Я хочу, я хочу, но я не могу;
Я хочу летать - но продолжаю тонуть.

Светлая Луна, светлая Луна,
Унеси меня в небо!
Подними меня своими сияющими лучами
И позволь мне купаться в твоём сиянии.

Светлая Луна, светлая Луна, позволь мне сиять как ты,
Светлая Луна, светлая Луна, позволь мне сиять как ты!

Яркая! Свободная! Жемчужина мира!

Светлая Луна, светлая Луна,
Свети на меня.

* * *

Bright Moon, bright Moon,                                                            11/30/2017
Shine upon me!
Stars, twinkling in the black of night,
Smile upon my way.

I want to, I want to, but I cannot;
I want to fly - but I keep on sinking.

Bright Moon, bright Moon,
Bring me to the sky!
Raise me in your shining rays
And let me bask in your radiance.

Bright Moon, bright Moon, let me shine like you,
Bright Moon, bright Moon, let me shine like you!

Bright! Free! Pearl of the world!

Bright Moon, bright Moon,
Shine upon me.




SHL.

24.X.2017 - 'ruth'

          I rue the day I learned to fear
Wrists shackled and head held down
Filled with trembling to use the key so near
And drowned with all my faults
- If only I could persevere
          I rue the day I learned this habit
Shutting out the light that could bring cheer
A heavy cloak against the world
Which has cost so many aching tears
- And burdened me so long
          I rue the day I learned to agree
To compromise myself
To hide my thoughts and what I hold dear
To try to seem somebody else
- Why acquiesce in my own sphere
          May this day rue the day I hold my own
          May this cloak rue the day I tear it free
          May these bonds rue the the day I conquer hesitation

          May this day rue the day it told me I should fear


24.X.2017
SHL
'ruth'

May 15, 2017

Me, or so they say.
"Come sail away, come sail away with me"
Do I belong in the sea? in the stars?
Perhaps I shall settle
For a puddle of tears
In which I can see
The reflection of the world.