Cyberstalking is not okay

Hello, Dear Humans,

Cyberstalking is not okay. I am not talking about stalking in the colloquial sense of Facebook “stalking”, which can mean that someone just looks at one person’s material often. I mean actual stalking that occurs via cyberspace. Someone does not need to explicitly threaten or even intend harm in order to be stalking a person. Continued unwanted contact, especially with reference to intimate subjects, crosses important personal boundaries. When someone does this it threatens a person’s perception of security and the behavior of that someone may also escalate to real-world contact. Basically, a stalker is unpredictable but will predictably continue to violate your boundaries. This is part of why stalking is a problem even if no actual physical contact or harm has occurred so far, other than the general stress it puts on the target of the stalking. The same goes for not-quite-stalking behavior. Even if the stalker does not realize that they are stalking, they still are. I have some advice for people who suspect that they are targets of stalking or are disquieted by related behaviors. You might not preserve evidence because you do not see anything substantial to have evidence for in the first place. You might just want to erase all signs of the disturbing person from your life. But you do not know if or when they might start up again and, if you ever want or need help emotionally dealing with or taking strong action regarding the situation, you might wish you had more of a record of it. Sometimes the nature of the situation does not become clear until more time has passed. As my mother said, go with your gut. If something feels wrong, pay attention. It is better to be a little extra vigilant than to be left with the feeling that the situation entirely slipped through your fingers. I hope that I will not continue to have to deal with the unpleasant situation currently on my hands, one that I thought was over with a long while ago. I am grateful that one of the staff in my university program asked me what was wrong today and took me seriously.

- Be cautious and keep yourself safe and sound.
- Be considerate and keep others safe and sound by 1) not crossing their boundaries and 2) listening to them and being there for them.

I am sharing this because people do not talk about this problem much.

Best wishes for all,
Silvie Lundgren

• LINK TO USEFUL INFORMATION:   Stalking [womenshealth.org]

P.S. Also, try to not let one person’s creepy behavior keep you from enjoying contact with other people.
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Telling people that they sound like they “are losing their mind” or “are a crazy person” really is not considerate. The number of times people have told me things like this continues to grow. Those who do this most often are college students or other people near my age (and usually do it with regard to a question I ask, an offbeat joke I make, the way I laugh, some experience that I do not share, my being hyper, etc.). Asking me if I am high also belongs on the list of questions or suggestions that I wish people would not pose to me.

Maybe you mean that I am unusual or fun and are using this in a positive sense? Or maybe you are insulting me? And what if I were experiencing psychosis (psychosis, by the way, is a symptom, not a specific illness, and ‘insane’ is not a classification usually applied in professional settings)? What good use can tagging me with the terms “crazy” or “loony” truly serve? We all have delusional thoughts sometimes. You probably interact with many wonderful people who, unbeknownst to you, experience some level of psychosis due to a major mental health disorder (and those who noticeably experience it are equally wonderful). When you say these things, do you perhaps mean that you think I am peculiar? that you are annoyed with me? that you want to see if I am okay? that you do not understand me? that you are curious about the way that I am? Why not then say those things instead of resorting to the highly ambiguous “crazy” and related popular terms? Employing more direct language may prompt you to be more deliberate and allow clearer communication. If your thought process does ultimately contain something mean-spirited, then please tell it like you mean it or do not tell it at all.

I understand that my behavior often seems strange (to varying degrees) in comparison to that of your average acquaintance. I accept that I am seen as “quirky” by many who know me (just please do not use that in a derogatory way). I know that how I see and think does not match the average mode of perception. I know that I tend to have intense emotional reactions, misunderstand situations, be neurotic (I do mean neurotic), and struggle with things that may seem small. I am different, and I am wonderful. I am not wonderful merely for being different - that is not what I am saying. I am wonderful because I, as a human being, am an amazing creature. So are you. I am also “different”. -- And, not or. And, not because. And. -- I used to repeat that “everyone is ‘weird’, therefore everyone is ‘normal’.” We all have variations. Sometimes these variations are very common, and sometimes they stand out. Self-labelling as “weird” has probably been one of my defense mechanisms against the words of others. Though this could be healthy in some ways, I am wary of slipping into submitting to negative ideas and ignoring the fact that what people say does matter. People can choose what they say, but maybe I am not giving them the chance to see that they could choose a more preferable option.

When you say these things to me, I feel alienated, disparaged and saddened. I feel a need to radically change myself in order to be acceptable (adjusting one’s behavior to be appropriate for a situation is good, but attempting to effect radical change of self simply to fit in is unhealthy). I lose trust in you, and this affects my ability to relate to you. I want to relate to you.

Dog Owners Beware

Dear Dog Owners,

Please, please, please keep your dogs leashed, fenced in, and otherwise appropriately restrained at all times, for the sake of your dog and other people. Don't let your dog go loose outside, and when you visit someone keep your dog restrained. A pet cat walking up to you is not the same as a pet dog walking up to you. Don't tell me that your dog doesn't bite; dogs are animals too. Cats are much less of a problem, but even I won't say that they don't bite. So many of you around here have unrestrained and rowdy dogs that I am considering always carrying pepper spray or a large branch with me when I go out for a walk. I am not afraid to use them on your dogs when they come running, barking, and growling at me. I already put up with their barking, following me, staking out my yard, and leaving their excrement all over - I will not put up with my safety being threatened. You may have a legal right to owning a dog depending on where you live, but you do not have the right to infringe on my peace and safety. You own your dog and your dog does not own the neighborhood.

Please read your area's dog laws. Some of you may be inadvertently violating them, and these offenses can lead to the loss of your dog. Here is a section from local dog control laws found at http://ecode360.com/6182731.

Chapter 103. DOGS Article I. Licensing, Identification and Control

§ 103-5. Dog control.

A.  Prohibited conduct. It shall be a violation of this article for the owner of any dog to permit or allow such dog to:

(1) Be at large; or

(2) Engage in habitual loud howling, barking, crying or whining, or any other behavior which unreasonably disturbs the comfort or repose, or causes damage or destruction to real or personal property, of any person other than the owner of such dog or a member of the owner's household residing with the owner or a guest of such owner; or

(3) Commit a nuisance by defecating or urinating upon public property or upon the premises of any person other than the owner of such dog; or

(4) Chase, threaten, harass, annoy, intimidate or alarm any person or to place any person in reasonable apprehension of bodily harm or injury, unless such person is unlawfully on the owner's premises or in the owner's residence or such person is threatening the safety of the owner's person, family, guests or property, and such dog is protecting or guarding the owner, the owner's real or personal property, or any person lawfully on the owner's property or in the owner's residence; or

(5) Habitually chase or run alongside of moving vehicles, horses or pedestrians lawfully using the public highways.